The Best Baby Quotes and
Jokes To Inspire You


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Cute and funny baby quotes to add some more laughter to the baby shower! Use these funny quotes and jokes to take a break and laugh - print some off and display them at the shower, for a laugh - read them at the shower as an ice breaker to ease tension among guests.

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Funny Baby Jokes

baby poems and quotes

Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers or briefs?

A: You'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all

Q: What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control?

A: A misconception


Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?

A: Have sex just once a year


Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant


Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college


Q: My breasts, rear end & even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?

A: Yes, your bladder


Baby Quotes and Jokes

Q: My wife is 5 months pregnant and so moody that she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?


Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?

A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him


Q: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?

A: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder


Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you're pregnant


Q: What is colic?

A: A reminder for new parents to use birth control


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Baby Quotes - perfect for reading at a baby shower, typing out and framing, or using for scrapbooking.

"Being pregnant is an occupational hazard of being a wife."
-Queen Victoria

"If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters." - Nora Ephron

"Take a sprinkling of fairy dust, An angel's single feather, Also a dash of love and care, Then mix them both together. Add a sentiment or two, A thoughtful wish or line, A touch of stardust, a sunshine ray... Its a recipe, for a Baby Girl truly fine."

"A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller,
home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for"

"People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's in water. But certainly more But certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool." -Elayne Boosler, comedian

"People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one." -Leo J Burke

"The worst feature of a new baby is its mother's singing" -Kin Hubbard

“Babies are such a nice way to start people” -Don Herald

“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” -Jerry Seinfeld

"There are three reasons for breast feeding: the milk is always at the right temperature; it comes in attractive containers; and the cat can't get it." - Irena Chambers, food writer and cookbook author

"I'm not interested in being Wonder Women in the delivery room. Give me drugs." -Madonna

"I didn't know how babies were made until I was pregnant with my 4th child." - Loretta Lynn

"The phrase working mother is redundant." - Jane Sellman

“It is the nature of babies to be in bliss.” -Deepak Chopra

“My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.” -Stephen Wright

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."

"It kills you to see them grow up.  But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't."  ~Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams
 -Elizabeth Stone

"The moment a child is born,
the mother is also born.
She never existed before.
The woman existed, but the mother, never.
A mother is something absolutely new."

"There are three reasons for breast-feeding:  the milk is always at the right temperature; it comes in attractive containers;
and the cat can't get it."  -Irena Chalmers

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.  ~Fran Lebowitz

A crying baby is the best form of birth control.  ~Carole Tabron

A baby is a blank cheque made payable to the human race.  ~Barbara Christine Seifert

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.  ~John Wilmot

If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family.  ~Lawrence Housman

Babies are always more trouble than you thought - and more wonderful.  ~Charles Osgood

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